Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Starting to come together


I feel like I am on the brink of something. A seismic leap masquerading as a tiny step.

Perhaps it is because I recently stopped resisting, and just went with feeling unhappy. Even though I couldn't explain why.

Apparently random questions started to form a pattern.

From me: Why don't I feel better than I do? I am grateful for all that I have and know I should be making more of this precious time. What is wrong with me?

From Dream Lab: Why not just play hooky? Give the relentless quest for self-improvement a rest and allow yourself to rest up and have some fun for a change?

From me: Maybe this "funk" is the Universe not wanting me to do anything in relation to my dreams. What if the Universe "just" wants me to be a Mum right now?

From Anne Lamott's Travelling Mercies: [Buddhists] believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born -- and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.

Me again: The most validation I am getting in my life right now -- the place I am getting the most "runs on the board" -- is in my day job. What does that mean?

From the stars: How could you make your vocation resemble your day job?

Me again again: I can see what I require but needy and greedy patterns are dragging me down. Where do they come from and why do I continually let them stand in my way?

From Wayne Muller's Sabbath (paraphrased): Abundance is a fearful response to scarcity. Sufficiency invokes satisfaction and wellbeing. How are you confusing the two? How do you know when you have enough?

Scribbling in my journal, the patterns start to appear. Apparently innocent questions from friends, acquaintances, random strangers are making me hear my own answers.

I think I am getting closer.

3 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post. It gives me hope to read your words. Hope for you and hope for me.

    It was so lovely to run into you in the street this week. I felt like I had really wanted to see you and then suddenly there you were.

    I'll e-mail shortly so I can plan to run into you very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. WHOOPS! how did i miss this post yesterday??!?

    thank you for writing it - the quote on "abundance" has REALLY struck a chord with me!! and i am needing those definitions of abundance AND sufficiency at this time...i'm with Cathy on feeling the hope from these words.

    i hope you two have a fun (and painless) "run-in" ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hmmm tiny steps that you have to be patient for and let yourself just "be" even if that means a state of unhappiness. Not easy. Have you ever found that right when you are on the cusp of something amazing, you sit for a hot minute in a valley? I've seen that patten in my life for a long time. I think us creative, Gemini, type A, do it all types almost have to experience this.

    If the universe just wants you to be a mom right now; which we both know is one of the most complex things in the world.. Then maybe it is telling you to switch your focus so that something else has time to form and present itself to you. Almost like a surprise gift you didn't expect to come in the mail.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete