I peeked into my study. I didn't want to blog, even though I was behind on posts. I didn't have the energy to respond to emails. I couldn't bear to look at those two unfinished canvases.
I picked out Keri Smith's Living Out Loud at random from my bookshelf. Something about her illustration entitled, "Creating a sacred space... right in your own home!" jolted me. I put the book down.
I got up from my bed. I gathered everything I needed. I scrubbed the bath. I ran the water. I lit no less than twenty candles. I released a lavender butter bath bomb into the water. I soaked, I inhaled, I luxuriated.
In the dusk, and the flicker of candle light, I scanned the index of SARK's Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity. I stopped at this page:
Feelings menu for this book.
Choose how you feel right now, go to that section.
I ran my finger down the list and settled on:
I feel... FLAT.
Go to: Waves of Love, page 43.
I turned to page 43. I read about self-love. I read about worthiness. I read about the practice of loving ourselves consistently, especially when we're not doing it well enough. Then I read these words:
Sometimes I wish that a loved one would say certain things, in certain ways, and I've learned not to wait or wish for others to do specific things but instead to give myself what I say I'm wanting.
I stopped. And I listened. And I heard those words. I got out of the bath, dried off, cleaned up, marinating in those words.
And I cried and cried as I wrote them in my journal, all those words I've been wanting to hear: that she's proud of me, that she misses me too, that she sometimes doesn't feel that she's enough either, that she's doing her best but that she knows that I sometimes need more, that she doesn't have much to give right now but that's not a reflection on me, that she loves me, that she sees me, that this will always be true.
And I saw that these words were indeed true. And I saw that they didn't need to be said. And I knew that it was possible to forgive, and be healed.
And I had the deepest sleep I'd had in weeks.
PS A clarification on my previous post: gwdiwh (pronounced "goodyhoo") is the Welsh word for owl.