Monday, December 13, 2010

Action


I peeked into my study. I didn't want to blog, even though I was behind on posts. I didn't have the energy to respond to emails. I couldn't bear to look at those two unfinished canvases.

I picked out Keri Smith's Living Out Loud at random from my bookshelf. Something about her illustration entitled, "Creating a sacred space... right in your own home!" jolted me. I put the book down.

I got up from my bed. I gathered everything I needed. I scrubbed the bath. I ran the water. I lit no less than twenty candles. I released a lavender butter bath bomb into the water. I soaked, I inhaled, I luxuriated.

In the dusk, and the flicker of candle light, I scanned the index of SARK's Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity. I stopped at this page:

Feelings menu for this book.
Choose how you feel right now, go to that section.

I ran my finger down the list and settled on:

I feel... FLAT.
Go to: Waves of Love, page 43.

I turned to page 43. I read about self-love. I read about worthiness. I read about the practice of loving ourselves consistently, especially when we're not doing it well enough. Then I read these words:

Sometimes I wish that a loved one would say certain things, in certain ways, and I've learned not to wait or wish for others to do specific things but instead to give myself what I say I'm wanting.

I stopped. And I listened. And I heard those words. I got out of the bath, dried off, cleaned up, marinating in those words.

And I cried and cried as I wrote them in my journal, all those words I've been wanting to hear: that she's proud of me, that she misses me too, that she sometimes doesn't feel that she's enough either, that she's doing her best but that she knows that I sometimes need more, that she doesn't have much to give right now but that's not a reflection on me, that she loves me, that she sees me, that this will always be true.

And I saw that these words were indeed true. And I saw that they didn't need to be said. And I knew that it was possible to forgive, and be healed.

And I had the deepest sleep I'd had in weeks.

PS A clarification on my previous post: gwdiwh (pronounced "goodyhoo") is the Welsh word for owl.

2 comments:

  1. sending hope your way. hope that things start to feel different soon, hope you will find a path forward, hope that you will find mountains of kindness and tenderness to keep you going.

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  2. I can see that I will have to a get copy of the SARK book and it's been ages since I've bought one from her.

    I'm glad you went through that exercise Kat. It sounds as though it may have shifted some energies for you =-)

    BTW: thanks for clarification!! i suppose i could have my dear boyfriend since he studies Gaelic - DOH!! ;)

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