Making art for Soul Restoration that reclaims and celebrates the various parts of myself: whole, broken, kind, unkind, strong, and weak.
Going to my day job, putting my head down, and getting some good work done.
A deep and earnest conversation with my husband, who sat and held my hand and helped me unravel the last few knots in my heart.
Receiving this from SARK: Part of being your human genius self is to learn to live more in the "marvelous messy middle" with all of your feelings and handle them skilfully and with great love. So how do we do this? By feeling what we feel and moving on.
Treating myself to some extraordinary Japanese masking tape.
Acknowledging that I'm just in a foul mood today and feel physically out-of-sorts... and just sort of going with it.
A wonderful conversation with my dear sister, who'd called out of concern that I had been discouraged by our Mum, and totally "got it".
My sweet husband taking over amusing our little 'un as I reached the end of my tether, and making us an exquisite salad of lentils, asparagus, squash, Reggiano and rocket for lunch.
Listening to Holly Miranda's beautiful album.
Making plans for long overdue catch ups with friends.
Writing this to Liz and seeing that this is where the truth is:
Thank you so much for holding a place for me in the Your Story Be Present retreat. I can't tell you how much your kindness and support has meant to me.
Sadly, after much excitement, confusion, fear, and bravery I have to accept that I won't be able to attend. In the final analysis, my husband isn't comfortable with me being away from him and my little girl for a week. And I just can't find it in my heart to attend despite these circumstances.
When the eventuality that I couldn't attend first hit me, I was absolutely devastated. For one thing, the location and the content really spoke to me. And, as I mentioned, the chance to meet you in person was also so delicious and inviting. The timing was also perfect, as I honestly felt my toddler was old enough to cope without me and, for the first time in a long time, I had the finances and the time to attend (which can be considerable impediments, living all the way on the other side of the world!).
But, really, the most poignant thing for me was that this was the first time ever I thought "Yes! I really could attend that!" because it was the first time I felt that I was worthy of attending, that my art and writing were worth putting first, and that they could hold their own in such stellar company.
I am working hard on owning the decision not to attend, though I know I will always be sad that I didn't. I think I also would have brought something unique to the experience, although I am glad that someone just as worthy and wonderful will be able to attend in my place and make the most of everything the Your Story experience has to offer.
And maybe there's comfort in the realisation that I am growing into a place where I am prepared to declare that my true life's work -- and I -- am worthy of this sort of community and experience.