Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Worthiness Wednesday #50 Talk
This business of putting words to feelings is a curious one. I know I'm not the first person to notice how much easier it is to do this when it's pen on paper or fingertips on a keyboard (or a dexterous thumb on mobile phone keys!).
There are some times when I struggle to get the words out. Like, literally, I cannot make my mouth form the consonants. They are trapped in my gut and cannot find their way through the murky filter of feelings that constricts my throat. Even when all that is required is a single syllable: yes.
But here's the thing.
Pushing that tiny syllable out can force a violent spill of emotions. They are ancient, they are dark, they are frightening and the process of expelling them can feel cripplingly lonely.
And then, what's left is... space.
Exquisite clean space.
Space like the ocean has just crashed through your soul and violently cleansed it of every bit of debris you have buried since the day you were born. Absolutely no chance of holding on, holding back.
But now this space is yours. It is you.
This stepping in to the self you truly are: it's exhausting, for sure. And confronting. And it can only really be done in baby steps at first. And it can get a bit disheartening when you learn that you really do need to practice it every single day.
It also takes some smarts: finding the right person to hear the right thing at the right time. The process of discovering that can be as painful as the words you're trying so hard not to say. And can provide exactly the discouragement you keep you exactly where you are: silent, alone.
But it does get easier.
And so very freeing and beautiful.
I say all this because this is journey I am on right now. I think it may just be the defining journey of adult life. In some ways, I am kicking myself that I have left it until I was 37. In other ways, I have a lot of compassion for the fears that prevented this... and so much hope and optimism for the years I have left.
I also say this because I recently read a dear friend's blog post: a jagged torrent of vulnerable and angry words, charting her anxieties and frustrations over the past two years. "I don’t want to come here and just sit on the couch and talk," She says, "Because it doesn’t change anything."
I don't know anything about this conversation: where, why and with whom it happened. But there is something I would like to say to this sweet suffering soul.
You're right: I doesn't change anything.
But it will change you.
And in changing you, it will change everything.
And you are worthy of all the beauty and pain and learning and life that this will bring.