Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Worthiness Wednesday #84: just show up
The weather seemed not to know what to do today. And neither did I.
It felt like we were both on the cusp of rain. The weather got hot, then cool, then humid. A few drops here and there. But otherwise, full and heavy and bothered and... nothing.
I was at sixes and sevens today. I felt cranky and achy and tired from the drug I am taking. I was overwhelmed by the reality of living the examined life. My house was a mess. There were things that needed doing. And all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed.
I got home from dropping my daughter off at kinder and there was a moment where I saw I had a choice.
Giving myself a leave pass was a perfectly good option. I'm not feeling 100%. And one day off would not set back the progress of my novel too far. The dishes, the laundry, the toys strewn all over the house could wait. Ditto the emails, blog posts, tweets, instagrams. Spending a couple of hours resting with a book or a DVD would have been a very good investment of my time.
But there was another choice, the one I ended up going with.
I just showed up.
I sat at my desk and wrote. I crawled to 500 crappy boring words (words that likely won't make the cut in the final draft) then I did a word count and decided to show up some more. Two hours and 1,900 [equally unimpressive] words later, I gave myself permission to finish. I then gently pottered around the house, in the name of making a clearing, priming the canvas for tomorrow. Over the course of the afternoon, almost all those things that I didn't really want to do got done.
And here's the thing: I'm not sure that was the right choice. It's just as likely that resting up good and proper would have served me better in the long run. It's very possible that soldiering on will soon prove counterproductive.
But the truth is, I had no idea. And, still now, I have no idea. I'm like that pregnant storm cloud, hovering, lost in limbo in a humid still grey day.
So I just showed up. Dishevelled. Achy. Hot. Cranky. Uncertain.
And, it's likely that tomorrow, I'll do the same.
I'm beginning to see how an entire novel, indeed a whole life, could get written that way. Just showing up. Day by day. Despite not feeling certain that it's the best thing to do. Doing it anyway.
This week, I invite you to choose to show up. Even if you're not certain that's the best thing to do. Even if you know you'll do it badly. Even when you feel lost and lonely and unattractive and directionless.
Just put one foot in front of the other. And show up.
And maybe, just maybe, magic will happen.
I can't say that I felt the magic any time today. But on the way home from collecting my daughter from kinder... it poured.