Wednesday, September 4, 2013
It did not just happen... but then...
It’s a curious thing, this being lost for words. There are so many things I want to share about my recent experience, yet when I sit down to write I face a page as blank as my mind.
So I’ll start with what I know: gratitude. Thank you, my friends, for the love you have shown me in celebrating my big news in this space. It has almost been overwhelming in its intensity. And a powerful reminder that love truly heals.
Those of you who have been journeying with me here (and in my offline life) know that I have yearned for this new little soul for a long time. It’s taken at least two years of actively trying, working, seeking. This past twelve months, in particular, has revolved around fertility specialists, Traditional Chinese Medicine, consulting oracles, naturopathy, intensive psychotherapy, fertility hormones, obsessive nesting and a lot of prayer.
And then we went to New York City on holiday and it “just happened”.
Except I know, as sure as I know anything, that it did not “just happen”.
Because I know that I only arrived at this point because I was so firmly and lovingly carried.
By the care and attention of my GP and OB/GYN. By the skill and empathy of my fertility specialist. By the holistic and wholehearted support of my naturopath and acupuncturist. By the intensive clarity and compassion of my therapist. By the grace of spirit, invited through tarot, prayer and ancient medicine. By the clomid which did not work at the time but prepared my body in some way for conception. By the clearings my family made to hearth and home. By the prayers of my family and friends and kindred spirits all over the world, wishing for me my heart’s desires. By the unwavering love and patience of my husband. By the joy and wisdom of my daughter. By this terrifying exhilarating ride we call life.
While we were in New York City, I experienced a couple of watershed moments. Away from the familiar, the habituated, the buried I saw in sharpest focus the hows and whys of so many of my parenting anxieties and finally understood their impact on my body and soul.
I left those anxieties in New York City. And since returning, have felt a spaciousness I’ve never felt before.
And, without my knowing, before we left New York City a tiny new soul saw that they were finally welcome, that there was a new clean open space especially for them and that it was safe to join me.
So while it wasn't as "simple" as taking a vacation in New York City, I am so grateful to that big-hearted city for working its magic on us.