Monday, January 27, 2014

On resisting trust


My word for 2013 was ease. I can't remember exactly how or why I chose it but, to be honest, my word of the year has usually just found me.

In choosing ease, I don't think I was hoping for an easier life. But I was keen to start leaning in more often to the things that I found easy. By this I mean to say, that I wanted to stop judging and resisting my natural inclinations and see how I could make them work for me. I also felt that this would help be focus my talents and reduce opportunities to compare my journey to that of others.

Of course, just the act of choosing this word and engaging with it on occasion did not guarantee that any of these things would happen. These sorts of explorations don't fit neatly into a calendar year and I suspect they will guide me through much of the rest of my life. But it did give me a new tool in my kit box, a new lens through which to view my everyday struggles (and triumphs).

So I am grateful for all that ease has given me.

Towards the end of last year, I began to wonder if it might be time to take a break from what felt like relentless seeking. I had already developed a good feel for the terrain of my psyche. Sure, all the personal development stuff had been rich and rewarding but it didn't really compare to the transformations possible from deep psychological work. It was also starting to feel less like fun and more like, well, work.

I contemplated doing something radical and not choosing a word for 2014 at all.

And then, just after I put that out there in September last year, a word arrived and refused to leave. That word was trust.

I have to say, I resisted it for a while. And then a number of high profile bloggers announced that they'd chosen trust as their word of the year and I took that as a sign that it wasn't meant for me. After all, it was already taken, right? (And I hate looking and feeling like a copycat! As immature as that sounds...)

Anyhoo, the corollary of this all is that trust refused to let go. It niggled at me until I saw that, in fact, my not wanting to invest in a word was evidence that I wanted to trust myself more. I didn't want to put myself in a box or do what other people were doing, for fear of missing out. I just wanted to be more present in my life, cut myself some slack and give the over-intellectualising a rest for a bit.

Again, I know that this is not a To Do list or a goal that I need to achieve by the time 2014 is out. Learning to trust myself -- goodness! What a tall order. It's just something I'd like to remind myself from time to time. A little invitation to consider when I feel overwhelmed.

That feels like something I really can trust.

I am responding here to the seventeeth prompt from #reverb13. You are warmly invited to share your own response below, if you did not have the opportunity to do so in December. Thank you for sharing the journey with me. x

PS The gorgeous word pictured was handmade from reclaimed materials by the fabulous Colleen Attara. Love.


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