Thursday, April 3, 2014

Don't ask me how I am

Well, actually, feel free to ask me. If you have the urge, it suggests you are a kind and concerned person. So I won't hold it against you.

But I might not be able to answer.

Right now, I am sitting here wondering how March managed to evaporate without my noticing. My son is four weeks old today. And that just seems impossible too, even though he seems to be growing before my very eyes.

I feel like I am starting to emerge from the fog of those first four weeks. Between the painkillers and the hormones and the sleep deprivation and the worry... and the love and the heart-searing joy and the cuddles and that unmistakable newborn smell... and the constant constant feeding... it's been a bit of blur up until now.

I've been dropping my daughter off at school and collecting her each day for just over two weeks now. All outward appearances seem to be that I am doing fantastically well: we're on time each day, my littlie naps or takes it all in quietly from his pram, I smile and chat and make some glib comment about sleep. I'm told I "look amazing" and am "doing so well" and that I "hardly look tired".

I've been getting my clothes ready and preparing my daughter's lunchbox the night before. The washing machine has been going constantly. I've ordered a set of business cards; organised my daughter's craft supplies into neat, labelled drawers; ironed three weeks' worth of business shirts; booked concert tickets; taken my baby to the doctor twice; changed the bed linen; made plans for the school holidays.

The truth is, I've hardly sat down.

I have the feeling I am avoiding sitting down. I know I have been avoiding writing. And reading, other than dipping in and out of my twitter feed and catching up on the weekend papers on a Monday.

It's true: there's always something To Do.

But the fact that I'm marching through the days makes me curious.

I guess all the feelings around my son's arrival, his delivery and my recovery will come flooding through when I'm ready to face them. They're overwhelmingly positive but they do feel enormous.

So maybe that's why I'm hiding out from the question.

1 comment:

  1. I knew you were pretty busy with your recent addition to the family, but didn't realize you were keeping such a busy schedule...but I can relate to that. I think I have been avoiding a few things myself lately - glad to learn I am not alone in that!

    But I do hope that you will make a little time for R&R, so you don't run yourself ragged. That really won't be helpful for anyone, especially YOU, my friend =-)