Friday, May 23, 2014
On turning 40
So on Friday 23 May, I turned 40 years old.
It started out as a fairly typical day. It was bucketing with rain. My husband was in bed with a nasty dose of the "man flu". I got our daughter ready for school. Our son refused to settle for his first nap of the day and screamed the house down while I tried to feed him.
Despite feeling like the odds were stacked against us, we set out for a decadent birthday lunch. We savoured every morsel while the little dude napped in his sling against my chest. We were treated to a complementary dessert and my bff stopped by for a hug and a chat. We meandered our way home, stopping in at an occasional shop.
By the time we got home, I felt "almost normal". The sun had come out and I walked to collect our girl from school, listening to music with a spring in my step.
It's been a tough week. At every turn, I feel like I've been bumping up against my "stuff". I've also been feeling alternately burnt out and anxious, with each state feeding on the other, with exhausting results. There are times when I wonder if I am going insane.
But, all in all, it feels good to be here. The second half of my life.
I'm done with formal education. I'm done with seeking validation from parental figures. I'm pretty much done with my day job. I'm done with everyone else's stuff.
I feel like the time is ripe and I am finally stepping into my own life. Everything that has happened had led me to here.
I'm learning (albeit extremely slowly) what it is to bring my own needs up on the priority list. I'm exploring what happens when I put my deepest desires front and centre. I'm putting out my feelers to invite more fun into my life.
Of course, none of this is happening right away, for good reason! Perhaps the hardest lesson I am learning is patience. Trust. Self-compassion.
I'm exactly -- I hope -- halfway through my life. The best half is only just beginning.