Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Still here



I really want to tell you that I am still here.

In fact, I really want to tell you that I am feeling more grounded than I have for a while.

I also really want to tell you that I am perennially tired.

But I really want to tell you not to worry: that it just feels like "garden variety" tired rather than totally-burnt-out tired.

I really want to tell you that an important difference seems to be that I am not panicked about feeling tired.

I really want to tell you that I am learning how the panic makes things into all kinds of other things, for instance, "I am exhausted" becomes "Oh my god, why am I so exhausted? I shouldn't be exhausted! This is a sign that something diabolical is happening. I have to do something about this. I am too exhausted to to anything! That is even more diabolical!" (and so on and so on).

I really want to tell you that over the weekend I said to my husband, "This feeding and settling a three-month-old is a tiring business" and there was something so freeing in that... because it was just an honest statement and there was no panic in it... and because it enabled me to be seen exactly where I am.

I really want to tell you that the realisation and the honesty and the absence of panic felt like a seismic shift, an opening, an allowing, somewhere between aha! and DUH! (in the nicest possible of ways).

I really want to tell you that I think this is what self-compassion might look like for me: the freedom that comes from honesty without panic... and the connection that follows.

I really want to tell you that we're settling into a routine over here.

I really want to tell you that it is busy but we're all [mostly] over our colds and we're all getting quite a bit of sleep and we're yet to arrive at school late or let anything really important slip.

I really want to tell you that I've missed this space and I've yearned to write more than anything but it has been a considerable challenge to carve out the time in amongst nurturing and nourishing a tiny human being.

But I also really want to tell you that I am absolutely where I want to be and I know it won't always be like this.

But I don't need to tell you something you already know.


3 comments:

  1. So glad you are in a good place.

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  2. Good to see you luv! And your little one as well. :)

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  3. Sending hugs! And admiring your style, woman.

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