Monday, September 8, 2014

Surfacing


Goodness, has it really been two weeks since the last day of August Moon (and my last post)? This time has passed in the blink of an eye... and yet... my tiredness would suggest that a lot has happened in this time... though what, exactly, I'd be hard pressed to say.

Then again, my bambino turned six months on Saturday and that feels like an important clue.

It seems to me that when you're in the midst of something huge (like tending to a newborn or cultivating your dream job or wrestling with your demons and maybe all of the above but, really, anything that consumes the majority of your energy), you don't have much choice but to keep showing up and doing your best. Even when it feels like you're fumbling through a fog and you have no idea what you're doing or you're afraid that what you are doing is not right or not enough or not graceful or not smart or all of these things.

And this is what happens, day after day, night after night. And you stumble in the same way each day but maybe, on occasion, catch the glimmer of possibility that you could do something slightly different. But it doesn't feel like anything substantial has changed.

And then months may pass and you take a moment to step out of the grind and realise that the sun is shining. And, actually, a new(ish) pattern is emerging. And maybe things do feel slightly easier.

Maybe it's because external circumstances have changed. Your bambino is older and has slightly less intensive needs. Job opportunities have come and gone and you have a clearer picture of the game you're playing. People are realising the part they play in your life and are making greater effort to be helpful and, occasionally, empathic.

But maybe things feel easier because some subtle shifts have been happening in your psyche. Life with a bambino is full-on most of the time but you've been tuning in and getting a stronger grasp of what you and your tiny one need. You're still hesitant to step up and own what you want for your working life but you're much more ready to articulate it and face your barriers, with help. You still get triggered by the stuff of everyday life but you're finally seeing some long-hidden tipping points which, in turn, helps loosen the straightjacket of anxiety.

So when I say "you" I actually mean "me".

But I also mean YOU.

Because it seems that most of the people I know are presently in situations where they do not feel they have full control over what is happening and it's overwhelming.

This is very much the case for me. I want things to change. And I also want to fastforward to the bit where I learn what happens. And I want it to look exactly like some image I have in my head of what I think my life "should" look like.

But the rub is, I don't have much choice other than to keep showing up, keep ticking as many boxes as I can, and try and hold on to some semblance of faith that I am fumbling in the right direction.

And then, today I surfaced for a breath of fresh air saw it all clear as day in the sweet Melbourne Springtime. I absolutely am heading in the right direction. Just because it doesn't feel safe or certain, doesn't mean it's not going to be glorious... or that I'm not going to be proud of myself and so very much stronger for staying the distance.

So in case you're not sure today, I feel like it's my job to remind you: it is absolutely going to be OK.

This is just how real change happens.

You're doing a great job and exactly what you need to be doing.

Keep on keeping on. x


2 comments:

  1. Gorgeous Kat. After a bit of a relapse here in the sickness department, today I am feeling brighter and more like writing so I have added my day 2 response for August Moon, which shares some themes with this post ( though mine is not as detailed and deftly written)! Great post and thanks for that reminder xx

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  2. Yes! "Because it seems that most of the people I know are presently in situations where they do not feel they have full control over what is happening and it's overwhelming." That's me, exactly. Thanks for the post, I am not alone!

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