Thursday, February 19, 2015

You know how it happens

One night, it just feels easier not to show up.

And then, after a while, not showing up becomes a habit.

There are always reasons.

Woke too early from a groggy disjointed sleep. Grouched all the way to getting there on time. Completed too many errands on the way home. Emerged victorious from the battle of the first nap.

Cleaned the house so it shined improbably. Ensured that whomever visited was suitably looked after (and impressed by the lack of clutter) (and dissuaded from washing dishes).

Raced off to tick more boxes. Helped out for no other reason that it feels good (oh, and that it marks me as One Of Those People Who Likes To Help Out). Raced home to put things into place for a smooth transition into the afternoon.

Got there early, waited, coaxed off the monkey bars, endured the tears. Tidied what needs to be tidied, signed what needs to be signed, packed what needs to be packed. Dinnertime, bathtime, bedtime. Emerging seriously scathed from the battle with the sleep resistance movement. Elsewhere, there are stories that need to be read.

Climate predicted, ambience controlled (windows opened, blinds closed). Ironed what needs to be ironed. Dishes, washed. On the weekend there are also many loads of laundry and houseplants to be watered.

Somewhere in there: wrote a bit of a novel. Or three. In clunky, painful increments.

And after that?

The couch doesn't really hold much lure now that The Colbert Report is over. Sometimes, there's a glass of wine and a chat. Sometimes even that feels like too much effort.

Crawling into bed with a book has won out, consistently. Over the past two months I have read more books than I have read in the past two years. So there's that.

But the idea of putting pen to paper in a journal or pouring emotions and experience into pixels here... well, there's just not a lot left for that.

It just feels easier not to show up.

And then, after a while, not showing up becomes a habit.

That's not to say it's not a nightly battle: I should be keeping this going versus I'm actually allowed to rest.

Tonight, I'm here though I have no idea how I will make the same space to show up tomorrow. Maybe I'm hoping that showing up will become a habit again.

We'll see.


  1. This post certainly does resonate for me, my friend, for many reasons...and I have to concur that evenings without Stephen Colbert are just not the same anymore and now Jon Stewart will also be taking flight. Ending my day on a note of laughter (and at a reasonable hour since @midnight goes over midnight!) is getting harder and not helping me get a good nights sleep =\