Thursday, July 2, 2015
Found it, doing it: still me
Another thing that happened during my two month absence from blogging is that a whole heap of questions got answered. I'd been carrying around a few dilemmas in my life: nothing major but nothing for which I felt I could force an answer. It felt good just to wait and see what emerged.
One thing I was curious about was the purpose of this blog. When I started blogging, I wanted to join the conversation I felt my favourite writers and artists were having. Ostensibly, I wanted to document my journey into the creative life but, if I'm going to be honest, I also wanted to morph my life into something that resembled those of my favourite writers and bloggers (or at least, the pretty bits I got to glimpse via social media).
Five years on and I just cannot look at another Discover Your Bliss type book or Do What You Love themed e-course. Because I have discovered it and I am doing it and the truth is: there was nothing to discover, I've known that I wanted to be a writer since I was four years old; and I am doing what I love and I'm still me, basically.
Don't get me wrong, the journey of discovery has come with many gifts. And incredible friendships. And I have certainly evolved, artistically, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically along the way. But at the end of the day, I'm still me. There's nothing I can read/buy/drink/wear/do that will magically change that... and, frankly, I'm no longer interested. Being me is actually OK, bingo wings and all.
(Though if I'm going to be honest, part of me feels wistful for that time, the girl that I was five years ago. Back then, I was an earnest beginner, an honest fool. I would have read/bought/ingested/worn/done anything to make my life feel prettier. There was not a Discover Your Bliss type book or Do What You Love themed e-course that I didn't buy into. And I honestly felt like if I just. kept. trying. something would change. There was something delicious optimistic about that time, however naive, foolish and costly -- and disappointing -- it turned out to be.)
(And to those of you who are scratching your head, unable to fathom wanting to be anything other than who you are: cookies for you! It's a thing, OK?)
As it turned out, only the hard ugly work of therapy actually shifted anything worthwhile. And self-compassion and acceptance have offered the most powerful means of noticing the prettiness that already exists in my life (though you'd be surprised how mind-bogglingly elusive that is!).
But anyway, all this to say that things will be changing here, over time. It's looking likely that I will start over, cull the archives, shed my Nom de Plume and focus more on my life as an emerging fiction writer i.e. my life as it actually is. And probably tweaking my offerings in line with that. Heck, I may even join facebook! I'll be sure to let you know as it happens.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm still here. And still very much me.
And as always, I'm grateful for your company. x